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True Love: Last Night I Held You in My Arms
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How to Fix Grotty Gomera
In the second part of my How to Fix series, I whinge about La Gomera. It's the second smallest Canary Island and I spent a week there.
I won't go back until they sort out these problems:
1. Trees
In 2012, forest fires decimated 10% of the trees on the island. It's still lush and hiking through the rainforest is wondrous.
The parts of the island that have black, burned trees as far as the eye can see are fascinating in a sad way.
But then you come across trees like this:
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| Half tree half pineapple |
This is clearly a genetically modified pineapple that they've bred to replace the burned trees. This is how they use your taxes, people of Gomera! Rise up! Demand proper trees!
2. Vampiric Fog
Half the island gets all the sun, and it's clear and hot every day. The other half is humid and covered in the kind of fog you normally get when approaching a scary castle.
My traveling companion insisted on visiting the misty half of the island every single day to take in the views she'd read about in a book full of lies.
This is one of the signs they have at the 'viewing points':
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| The Promised Land |
Notice that in the picture you can see things like trees and hills and shapes and colours.
Here's the actual view you get:
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| Fog |
SIGH.
3. Cutlery and Crockery
La Gomera has a couple of things to sort out in this category.
First, if you are given a spoon that looks like a baddie from Battlestar Galactica, you can't concentrate on your food.
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| What the frak? |
Ceramic teapots and less menacing cutlery, please, restaurants of Gomera!
4. Better Tourist Attractions
This photo shows Benchijigua, the first building constructed by the Spanish settlers. The ferry that takes you to Gomera from Tenerife is named after it. Sounds like a big deal. Right?
Getting there involved the most terrifying journey of my entire life, millimetres from a 300 metre vertical drop in a car being driven by a woman who brakes suddenly to avoid butterflies.
The reward was an abandoned building surrounded by abandoned buildings. Apparently once a year there is a thing that happens there. It wasn't the day I went.
Build a rollercoaster or something! Christ.
If you read my piece on Barcelona, you'll remember that shops there offer 'homos' for as cheap as 3 euros.
In La Gomera, they are gay-friendly, which is good. But perhaps a little exuberant in their marketing?
Let's make La Gomera more family friendly, people.
Attention Gomeran authorities: You've got five things to fix before I'll consider going back. Get to work!
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The Hunger Games in Switzerland #10
I must kill 24 people in a Swiss reality TV show, or they will cut off my supply of pizza, beer, and wine. My name is Andrew Girardin. This is my story.
Previously on The Hunger Games - #1 "It begins" - #2 "Milk" - #3 "Elevators" - #4 "A Guest" - #5 "On Air" - #6 "Funeral" - #7 "Bazooka" - #8 "Cheesecake" - #9 "Sugar"
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Previously on The Hunger Games - #1 "It begins" - #2 "Milk" - #3 "Elevators" - #4 "A Guest" - #5 "On Air" - #6 "Funeral" - #7 "Bazooka" - #8 "Cheesecake" - #9 "Sugar"
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Dating a Dwarf
I started dating a chick. Jen likes horsies, wears scarves, and talks about Ryan Gosling all the time. From this description, she would seem to be the same as any modern woman.
However, there's one 'small' difference; She is a dwarf.
You might think it's terribly hard for a normal-sized human like me to have a relationship with someone so very tiny, but like everything, there are advantages and disadvantages.
Disadvantages of Dating a Dwarf
There are more drawbacks than the very predictable ones, such as heightened (lol) belligerence and not being allowed on roller coasters.
Consider, also:
Death Stools
Jen's flat has a spice shelf. She can't reach it. Now if that were me, I'd put my spices on a lower shelf. But no. The spice shelf is the spice shelf and there can be no discussion.
So, with scant regard to her personal dignity or my safety, she clutters her kitchen with tiny stools designed for babies. Every time I go into her kitchen I risk tripping up and smashing my brains all over the surfaces.
Which she wouldn't be able to clean because the cleaning products are stored out of her reach.
Can't Share Pillows / Pillow Fights Are Uneven Contests
Jen has an expensive Swiss memory foam pillow. She persuaded me to buy one. We had this conversation:
Jen: Do you like your new pillow?
Me: Yes. It's very comfy. It's strange though...
Jen: What?
Me: I thought I'd bought the same one as you but... I don't remember yours being that big.
Jen (turning red): Oh.
Me: What?
Jen (squirming): Nothing.
Me (masculinely): Say it.
Jen: Well, mine is child-size.
Me: !!!
Jen: Are you writing that down? Don't write that down!
I took some photos of her sleeping on my pillow. Her head looked like a solitary egg on a vast, empty buffet table. She refused to let me use the photos. So here's how my head looks on her pillow:
Colonisation of My Lower Shelves
We've all seen sitcoms. We know what happens. A guy meets a girl and slowly she starts taking over his flat. I recently noticed it happening to me.
But because she's so tiny and I don't allow Death Stools in my flat, Jen can only reach the bottom of my bathroom cabinet.
Look:
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On the top you see my contact lenses; the next shelf has razors and toothpicks. The lowest shelf, the one in range of her little arms, has some girl things. I simply have no clue what the liquid in the orange bottle IS.
My best guess is that it is growth serum, and I'm terrified that one night I'll be so drunk I'll use it as mouthwash.
Advantages of Dating a Dwarf
There are the obvious things, such as always having an ice-breaker ("Hey, have you met my dwarf?") and I can offer to give her a massage knowing it'll only take five minutes. But also:
Being Allowed To Play in Playgrounds
Slides and see-saws are FUN but last time I went on some swings a woman came and shouted at me to get out of her garden. But if I'm out with Jen, people can't be sure what's going on. Perhaps she's my daughter? Or I'm doing charity work of some kind?
So I get to use the equipment. Jen likes it too, because it makes her "feel like a giant."
Getting Hero Points
It is well known that women compare men with storybook heroes and award or deduct points for heroic/unheroic deeds. Men who score a lot of hero points are pursued and kept; men who don't are discarded.
I lose points every time I say, "Okay, I'll just put some clothes on and be right there." I lose points every time I run out of milk, or don't hang towels up, or burp too loudly (rude) or too quietly (not masculine). Points are lost for so many reasons that it's a constant struggle to remain in the 'hero zone'.
Fortunately I score points just by being tall enough to reach things, or even to see over walls or hedges.
Can't Lose Fights
Another obvious one. Having dated a dwarf for a while, I realise that this comic strip is a true story.
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The picture comes from a website called 9gag, which I've been giggling through for half an hour instead of thinking of a proper ending to this post.
So that's it for Dating a Dwarf.
Coming soon: Death Threats from a Dwarf
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However, there's one 'small' difference; She is a dwarf.
You might think it's terribly hard for a normal-sized human like me to have a relationship with someone so very tiny, but like everything, there are advantages and disadvantages.
Disadvantages of Dating a Dwarf
There are more drawbacks than the very predictable ones, such as heightened (lol) belligerence and not being allowed on roller coasters.
Consider, also:
Death Stools
Jen's flat has a spice shelf. She can't reach it. Now if that were me, I'd put my spices on a lower shelf. But no. The spice shelf is the spice shelf and there can be no discussion.
So, with scant regard to her personal dignity or my safety, she clutters her kitchen with tiny stools designed for babies. Every time I go into her kitchen I risk tripping up and smashing my brains all over the surfaces.
 |
| Death Stool |
Which she wouldn't be able to clean because the cleaning products are stored out of her reach.
Can't Share Pillows / Pillow Fights Are Uneven Contests
Jen has an expensive Swiss memory foam pillow. She persuaded me to buy one. We had this conversation:
Jen: Do you like your new pillow?
Me: Yes. It's very comfy. It's strange though...
Jen: What?
Me: I thought I'd bought the same one as you but... I don't remember yours being that big.
Jen (turning red): Oh.
Me: What?
Jen (squirming): Nothing.
Me (masculinely): Say it.
Jen: Well, mine is child-size.
Me: !!!
Jen: Are you writing that down? Don't write that down!
I took some photos of her sleeping on my pillow. Her head looked like a solitary egg on a vast, empty buffet table. She refused to let me use the photos. So here's how my head looks on her pillow:
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| Possibly my hair gets a bit more ruffled |
Colonisation of My Lower Shelves
We've all seen sitcoms. We know what happens. A guy meets a girl and slowly she starts taking over his flat. I recently noticed it happening to me.
But because she's so tiny and I don't allow Death Stools in my flat, Jen can only reach the bottom of my bathroom cabinet.
Look:
On the top you see my contact lenses; the next shelf has razors and toothpicks. The lowest shelf, the one in range of her little arms, has some girl things. I simply have no clue what the liquid in the orange bottle IS.
My best guess is that it is growth serum, and I'm terrified that one night I'll be so drunk I'll use it as mouthwash.
Advantages of Dating a Dwarf
There are the obvious things, such as always having an ice-breaker ("Hey, have you met my dwarf?") and I can offer to give her a massage knowing it'll only take five minutes. But also:
Being Allowed To Play in Playgrounds
Slides and see-saws are FUN but last time I went on some swings a woman came and shouted at me to get out of her garden. But if I'm out with Jen, people can't be sure what's going on. Perhaps she's my daughter? Or I'm doing charity work of some kind?
So I get to use the equipment. Jen likes it too, because it makes her "feel like a giant."
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| Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! |
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| The correct way to ride a wooden horse |
It is well known that women compare men with storybook heroes and award or deduct points for heroic/unheroic deeds. Men who score a lot of hero points are pursued and kept; men who don't are discarded.
I lose points every time I say, "Okay, I'll just put some clothes on and be right there." I lose points every time I run out of milk, or don't hang towels up, or burp too loudly (rude) or too quietly (not masculine). Points are lost for so many reasons that it's a constant struggle to remain in the 'hero zone'.
Fortunately I score points just by being tall enough to reach things, or even to see over walls or hedges.
Can't Lose Fights
Another obvious one. Having dated a dwarf for a while, I realise that this comic strip is a true story.
The picture comes from a website called 9gag, which I've been giggling through for half an hour instead of thinking of a proper ending to this post.
So that's it for Dating a Dwarf.
Coming soon: Death Threats from a Dwarf
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Dressaged to Kill
I just came home from a trip to England where my girlfriend was researching whether to buy a mechanical horse. She could use it to teach riding when the weather is bad, or if zombies eat all the real horses.
It looks like this:
"So what do you think?" I asked her after she'd tried it out.
"It's great!" she said. "I'm enthusiastic. But I might ask for one or two modifications."
"I know exactly what you mean."
BEHOLD - the robot horse of the future... TODAY
Features:
* Laser eyes powerful enough to melt shoes
* Front mounted rockets (stirrup-activated)
* Robot legs
* Side panels squirt squid ink or release tyre-popping tacks to cause traffic mayhem (ink sold separately)
* Satellite dish blocks enemy transmissions; gets sports channels
* Mace tail pulverizes enemy faces
"That's not exactly what I had in mind," said Jen. "I just wanted it in pink."
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Asterix in Corsica: Latin Jokes Explained
Book 20 - Asterix in Corsica
1.
The story: Asterix and Obelix liberate a prisoner from the Romans, and accompany him to to Marseilles. There, the prisoner's friend arranges transport on a ship to his home - Corsica.
By complete chance, the ship is run by the pirates, who have devised a new scam: stealing from their passengers.
Professor Ibrox explains: "Isn't it usually Pegleg who comes out with the Latin? As we learned before, O tempora, O mores means 'Oh, what times! Oh, what customs!' The black guy signed up to be a good, honest pirate and finds this new plan too underhand for his liking.
"While he's complaining about this dastardly plot, Pegleg is thinking about the easy money they'll make. More's the word, he says, almost like 'greed is good'. But he should be thinking 'tanti dolores, quantae pecuniae.'"
Andrew explains: "'Tanti dolores, quantae pecuniae' is the chorus to a famous Roman ditty composed by Magnus Insignisque. In short: 'Mo money mo problems.'"
2.
The story: Asterix, Obelix, and their new Corsican friend sneak on board the pirate ship. Once clear of the harbour and with no Roman ships in sight, the pirates go into the hold to see how much they've won. They are distressed to discover the Gau... the Gau... the Gauls! They sneak off and hide in a lifeboat.
Professor Ibrox explains: "I find that people often get 'Errare humanum est' mixed up. They sometimes confuse it with Pope's 'To err is human, to forgive divine,' and sometimes with Depp's 'To err is human, to arr is pirate.'
"It is, as every Rangers fan knows, a quote from Seneca, though as any Celtic fan will tell you, he was quoting an old proverb.
"The full quote is 'Errare humanum est, perseverare autem diabolicum, et tertia non datur' - to err is human, but to persevere (in your error) is the way of the devil, and the third way is not given.
"In other words, 'I forgive you as long as we don't have to do this again'.
"Seneca was a brilliant philosopher, essayist, letter writer, and above all tragedian, making him the ancient world's Dan Brown. He was tutor to Nero, but when Nero went spazmo, Seneca killed himself, making him the ancient world's Sylvia Plath. Curiously, Ted Hughes loved Seneca and translated his work.
"Seneca's tragedies are full of blood and terrible puns, making him the ancient world's Ian Fleming. Seneca was probably a bit of a tosser though, making him the ancient world's [REDACTED - Andrew's lawyers].
3.
The story: Asterix et al have left the ship, some Romans have checked it out and found no renegades, so the coast seems to be clear for the pirates to retake their ship.
Professor Ibrox explains: "Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas means 'happy is he who is able to see the causes of things'.
"The old scamp is cautioning his boss to be careful of things he can't see... and re-establishing his credentials as the primary source of highbrow Latin allusions.
"My first thought on reading the quote was Virgil as it scans as hexamater (the last two thirds of a line). I checked, and, sure enough, it's from Virgil's Georgics, a poem ostensibly about farming but in fact about the return of the golden age of the world under the rule of Augustus.
"I find the poem so achingly beautiful that I shed tears every time I revisit it.
"Now give me my five quid and drop me off at the Off Licence. I want to buy some scratchcards and be home in time for Jersey Shore."
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The Memeing of Life #1
"I herd you the first time."
An internet whimsy by Andrew Girardin
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A Birthday Blog
or
"Why You No Blog More?"
Today is my birthday. I am very old. Don't ask me how old because I will lie or tell a rambling story or distract you in some way. Look! An eskimo! Let's just say: "Young enough to do it; old enough to do it right." This, by the way, is a sure-fire way to end 'how old are you?' conversations.
Anyway, I had a productive year of writing. Given that I only wrote 12 blog posts in 6 months, I must have some other project going on. Eh? Eh?
I have just finished the first draft of a 401-page children's book, currently called "Onederland." I've also sketched out the story for the sequel, "Timbuktwo". The illustrations below are from the stupendously talented artist I've collaborated with.
Onederland tells the story of these characters:
Silver: A one-eyed boy with a small balloon and a big appetite.
Summer: A happy-go-lucky flibbertigibbet who, like all girls, is equal measure annoying and useful.
Treepio: A bird who learns the true meaning of Christmas. (Note - that's a lie. He's a very clever bird who helps them with their adventure.)
Along the way they meet this guy. He's an Org, but don't worry. He won't bonk you on the head. He's too busy tending to his plants.
Oh no! Why is that river so feeble? Where's all the water gone? I hope there isn't a dastardly plot behind it! Involving pirates and bandits and eyepatches! Actually, I hope there IS. That sounds fun.
The main character's smugness is modeled after my own. Readers are sure to love him.
So that's what I've been working on. I'm taking a tiny break from it and in a few weeks will start the rewrite. It's almost certainly going to be the best thing I've ever done.
That frisson of anticipation you are currently experiencing? That's my birthday gift to you. You're welcome.
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Holiday
I'm on holiday. No blog for a bit. This message will self-destruct.
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The Hunger Games in Switzerland #11
I must kill 24 people in a Swiss reality TV show, or they will cut off my supply of pizza, beer, and wine. My name is Andrew Girardin. This is my story.
Previously on The Hunger Games - #1 "It begins" - #2 "Milk" - #3 "Elevators" - #4 "A Guest" - #5 "On Air" - #6 "Funeral" - #7 "Bazooka" - #8 "Cheesecake" - #9 "Sugar" - #10 "Smoke"
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Previously on The Hunger Games - #1 "It begins" - #2 "Milk" - #3 "Elevators" - #4 "A Guest" - #5 "On Air" - #6 "Funeral" - #7 "Bazooka" - #8 "Cheesecake" - #9 "Sugar" - #10 "Smoke"
Visit Cute-Loot on Tumblr
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Andrew's True Reviews
When I was a kid, my family gave me amazing Christmas presents, like a Tomytronic video game or Star Wars toys. In 1986 I even got a'Kafka Sac' - a child-sized silk cocoon. Kids would sleep in these and try to turn themselves into an insect of their choice. (I wanted to be an earwig and collected all my earwax to ease the moment of my metamorphosis.)
Now, though, it has been 8 years since anyone got me anything for Christmas, and about 18 years since I got anything fun. So I have to buy my own treats.
Here's what I bought last Christmas, with reviews so you know if you should buy one too.
(Yes, I've been using these things for 8 months. Think of the delay not as a reflection on how lazy I am, but how seriously I take my reviews.)
Brand: Swissgear
Product: Backpack (GA-7301-14F)
It's near-perfect in its design. I say near-perfect instead of perfect merely out of British understatement. I was happy with my old Samsonite, but Swissgear is the future.
Brand: Elsa
Product: Memory foam pillow
True Review: I ponied up about 120 Euros for this little pillow thing. Bit of a rip-off, you probably think, and you might be right. But me and my girl Jen constantly bicker about who gets to use it. I wasted 30 Euros buying one for her but it's as much use as a thong on a hippo.
My first impression of my super-pillow wasn't good. I didn't sleep better. But when Jen spent the night she obnoxiously informed me that I was using it the wrong way round. After I won that night's pillow-right pillowfight I had a good sleep.
It's a luxury item, but if you can afford it, you'll sleep a bit better.
Brand: Philips
Product: Sonicare Sonic Toothbrush and Airfloss
True Review: I already had a Sonic toothbrush from Philips but it died after five years of loyal service. Apparently you're supposed to dry the slobber off after use. Anyway, they're great, and will save you money and pain at the dentist. Buy buy buy!
The Airfloss is a lot like a trebuchet, but instead of hurling giant stones at castles it projects mouthwash into the gaps in your teeth.
I like it because it dislodges the bits of pizza that clog up my crevices and it's a fun way to get mouthwash into one's mouth. My girl hated it though. She tried it once and as soon as it started its "launch sequence" she had a panic attack. Then she got mad at me for laughing at her.
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| "What's it doing? I don't like it!" |
Brand: HP
Product: Officejet 6700 Printer
True Review:
Take your pick:
1) I haven't been this frustrated by some plastic since I lost my thumb trying to open a blister pack
2) I haven't been this frustrated by some plastic since vuvuzelas in World Cup 2010
3) I haven't been this frustrated by some plastic since I realised the plant I'd been watering wasn't a plant
Pros:
* With this printer you can, eventually, print documents.
* Great if you enjoy flashing lights and loud noises.
* The perfect printer for those who enjoy downloading software updates.
* Software is updated daily.
* After eight months of use, there are more software updates on this printer than their are atoms in the universe.
* With its advanced 'InSensor system,' it knows exactly when to run out of ink for maximum inconvenience.
* You have to rip pages out of books if you want to scan them (because it won't let you place a book or magazine on the scanner). Helps prevent copyright theft!
Cons:
* It's just awful.
Brand: HP
Product: Pavilion Desktop PC
True Review: I bought this to replace my old laptop, which I'm giving to a charity in Africa because I'm a better person than you. I like having a proper keyboard and a monitor I can move around. But I had to spend many hours removing all the pre-installed crap. Perhaps HP stands for 'Hates People'.
I don't really have anything funny to say about it. I got stuck in a stream of consciousness that went like this:
* The Germans say that 'hope dies last.'
* You can't spell 'hope' without HP
* HP dies last
* In a nuclear winter, only cockroaches will survive
* HP is a cockroach.
I'll probably buy a different brand next time.
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Cecile's Diet Diary
Fans of my blog, of which there are literally five, naturally assume that 'Cecile' is a comic character I invented. It's true that if she didn't exist, I'd have to invent her, but she is real. She moved to New Zealand to study journalism, and sometimes sends me drafts of articles.
I helped her with a sports article, and stalked her early career through the corrections page.
Here's her latest piece, originally planned for the Health section of the paper:
Every week a new fad diet hits these shores. Most are unscientific or even unhealthy. The latest is the low-crab diet. Since my weight has been creeping up close to the 65kg dangerline, I decided to test it for a month and see if it works.
Day 1
I didn't eat any crab today. I did some online research about low-crab diets and found lots of very confusing and contradictory information.
Day 2
Still didn't eat any crab. Looked into which restaurants do the best crab. So I can avoid them.
Day 3
Found a childhood photo of me. Made me quite peckish.
Day 4
Good day. No crab. Waited all day to eat (crab-free risotto! mmm!) and my fiance Nick said I was 'being crabby'. Why do people keep saying that? I hadn't told him about this project and I couldn't believe he was accusing me of eating crab. We had a huge fight and I damaged the wooden floor by stamping on it. By the time I'd calmed down it was already the next day and Nick had gone to work.
Day 6
Accidentally ate some crab.
Day 9
Crab cravings reached intolerable levels. Tried to buy crab-flavoured ice cream. Supermarket didn't have any. Stole some cornflakes as punishment.
Day 14
I've been eating about 2 kilos of crab a day. But I'm losing weight! I'm down to 62kg. Strange results, but I'm enjoying this diet.
Day 15
Nick asked why I had brought home another three carrier bags full of frozen crab. I told him about the low-crab diet. His forehead wrinkled unattractively and he tried to tell me something about carbohydrates but I hate when he goes on about Science and I felt he was attacking me so I threw a crab at him and he went to work. But it did remind me that it's supposed to be a low-crab diet, not a high-crab diet. Must eat less crab.
Day 22
Haven't seen Nick for a while. Turns out he has gone to stay with his parents. His mother came round to get some clothes for him and the first thing she said was, "Holy Christ! This place stinks to high heaven! I thought he was joking." I pointed out that I'd lost 5kg and gave her some fried crab in some tupperware. It looked like she wanted to say something but she just left.
Day 24
Someone - and I suspect we all know who - has persuaded the shop to stop selling me crab. I was so angry I trashed their cereal aisle. Then I hid outside and persuaded kids to buy crab for me. I love kids! I'd be a good mother.
Day 42
My month-long experiment has turned into a lifestyle choice. I'm down to 50kg and my skin glistens. My pharmacist told me it has a "moist, cave-like quality". Hurray!
Day 45
Filed my article today. Manager looked at me over his glasses and said, "Ah... so that's the reason. But please stop coming to the office. We fired you two weeks ago. Because of the smell."
Day 80
Tremendous interest in my 'High-Crab Diet' book. Publishers are queuing up! They're saying it could be the top fad diet of 2014. Exciting times ahead! My personal life is going great, too. I've moved in with Pagrus. He's my soulmate!
.
I helped her with a sports article, and stalked her early career through the corrections page.
Here's her latest piece, originally planned for the Health section of the paper:
Testing the Low-Crab Diet
by Cecile Meier
Every week a new fad diet hits these shores. Most are unscientific or even unhealthy. The latest is the low-crab diet. Since my weight has been creeping up close to the 65kg dangerline, I decided to test it for a month and see if it works.
Day 1
I didn't eat any crab today. I did some online research about low-crab diets and found lots of very confusing and contradictory information.
Day 2
Still didn't eat any crab. Looked into which restaurants do the best crab. So I can avoid them.
Day 3
Found a childhood photo of me. Made me quite peckish.
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| Me, aged 13 |
Good day. No crab. Waited all day to eat (crab-free risotto! mmm!) and my fiance Nick said I was 'being crabby'. Why do people keep saying that? I hadn't told him about this project and I couldn't believe he was accusing me of eating crab. We had a huge fight and I damaged the wooden floor by stamping on it. By the time I'd calmed down it was already the next day and Nick had gone to work.
Day 6
Accidentally ate some crab.
Day 9
Crab cravings reached intolerable levels. Tried to buy crab-flavoured ice cream. Supermarket didn't have any. Stole some cornflakes as punishment.
Day 14
I've been eating about 2 kilos of crab a day. But I'm losing weight! I'm down to 62kg. Strange results, but I'm enjoying this diet.
Day 15
Nick asked why I had brought home another three carrier bags full of frozen crab. I told him about the low-crab diet. His forehead wrinkled unattractively and he tried to tell me something about carbohydrates but I hate when he goes on about Science and I felt he was attacking me so I threw a crab at him and he went to work. But it did remind me that it's supposed to be a low-crab diet, not a high-crab diet. Must eat less crab.
Day 22
Haven't seen Nick for a while. Turns out he has gone to stay with his parents. His mother came round to get some clothes for him and the first thing she said was, "Holy Christ! This place stinks to high heaven! I thought he was joking." I pointed out that I'd lost 5kg and gave her some fried crab in some tupperware. It looked like she wanted to say something but she just left.
Day 24
Someone - and I suspect we all know who - has persuaded the shop to stop selling me crab. I was so angry I trashed their cereal aisle. Then I hid outside and persuaded kids to buy crab for me. I love kids! I'd be a good mother.
Day 42
My month-long experiment has turned into a lifestyle choice. I'm down to 50kg and my skin glistens. My pharmacist told me it has a "moist, cave-like quality". Hurray!
Day 45
Filed my article today. Manager looked at me over his glasses and said, "Ah... so that's the reason. But please stop coming to the office. We fired you two weeks ago. Because of the smell."
Day 80
Tremendous interest in my 'High-Crab Diet' book. Publishers are queuing up! They're saying it could be the top fad diet of 2014. Exciting times ahead! My personal life is going great, too. I've moved in with Pagrus. He's my soulmate!
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| Pagrus on his ship, 'The Genus Cancer' |
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Being Cecile Meier
I have created a piece of interactive fiction. It was partly inspired by the movie Being John Malkovich. So far, three people have played it. Here are the reviews:
Male #1: This is amazing. I want to make one of my own. How did you do it?
Male #2: It's very good. I enjoyed it, and learned a lot about the benefits of crab.
Female #1: I laughed a lot, but it's so weird. Why are you so weird? Did you spend the whole day doing this?
You can play the game by clicking on this link:
http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/being-cecile-meier
It's quick and fun. (It's playable on a mobile but on my phone the text was a bit small, so better to play it on a laptop.) Let me know what you think of it in the comments below.
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Male #1: This is amazing. I want to make one of my own. How did you do it?
Male #2: It's very good. I enjoyed it, and learned a lot about the benefits of crab.
Female #1: I laughed a lot, but it's so weird. Why are you so weird? Did you spend the whole day doing this?
You can play the game by clicking on this link:
http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/being-cecile-meier
It's quick and fun. (It's playable on a mobile but on my phone the text was a bit small, so better to play it on a laptop.) Let me know what you think of it in the comments below.
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Arsene Wenger Simulator
I have made another game! Wow!
It's called 'Arsene's Window' and is subtitled 'The Arsene Wenger Transfer Window Simulator.'
Can you do better than the real Wenger? Find out!
http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/arsenes-window
Let me know if there any bugs or typos.
It's called 'Arsene's Window' and is subtitled 'The Arsene Wenger Transfer Window Simulator.'
Can you do better than the real Wenger? Find out!
http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/arsenes-window
Let me know if there any bugs or typos.
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Andrew Girardin's Summer Sumo Plan
The Summer Sumo Plan
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| Girardin-San - Sumo Teacher, Diet Guru |
Hi! I'm Andrew Girardin and I'm the creator of the Summer Sumo Plan. To think that this time last year I was trying to lose weight! I cheerfully lost 5 kilos and was looking forward to losing 5 more. Funny old world.
Of course, these days I work as a Sumo trainer and it helps to have a large, corpulent body. So I developed a series of easy-to-follow weight-gain principles which my students and girlfriend have used with great success, and which I will let you buy from me at the end of this article.
But first I'll tell you what NOT to do! Because what not to do is what I, stupidly, did, back when it was my target to get my weight under 80 kilos.
I ate more vegetables. Less pasta. Fewer pizzas. As little sugar as possible. A touch less alcohol. Ate soup to make me feel fuller.
Huh? There has to be more!
Nope!
What about exercise?
Doesn't matter much. In the six months after publishing my Flab Loss Mastery post I trebled my training. For many months I was doing ten or twelve hours of sport a week. My weight barely changed!
But when I reduced my intake of carbs, the weight dropped off me. I stopped eating a loaf of bread every day and bought - and used - a wok.
On days where I just had to pig out, I had a small pizza instead of a medium, or two beers instead of three.
I kept 'sins' to one a day. Chai latte or wine. Ice cream or cheesecake.
Bam! Result! I woke up one day and was 79.9kg. Victory! I was delighted - until I realised my low weight was hindering my career in Sumo.
Now, if you think putting on weight to become Sumo-compatible would mean doing the opposite of everything I just said - (drinking booze; wolfing down lots of rice, pasta, and bread, unfettered gorging on sugary treats) - you *might* be right. But before I tell you how to give me money, read this inspirational Case Study.
Case Study: You Yes Can Sumo
Your dream, ever since childhood, has been to wrestle Sumo. Now's your chance. You've chucked flour around the doyho and your big white nappy is moist with sweaty anticipation.
Left leg, right leg, squat, go! Tora, tora, tora! You and your foe collide.
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| "You no can Sumo." |
"No," says a wizened old Japanese man. "You no can Sumo."
"But why?" you ask, your lip wobbling.
"You no flab. You no make slap when Sumo."
"Make slap?"
He claps his hand twice, and two giant Sumo dudes line up against each other, race forward, and, at the moment of impact their bodies say "SLAP."
For days you marvel at the memory of that sound. SLAP! How did they slap so good?
Because they had flab-aplenty. You stare unhappily at your six-pack and toned arms. You mustturn your attention to getting some serious deposits of fat. "I need to flab up, and fast. Then I can become a Sumo, and make good slap."
Hunched over your laptop you find the internet is bitterly divided on the subject of how to gain weight. At first, it seems you should do less exercise and eat more fatty foods. But that doesn't feel right. So you dig a little deeper.
Bingo! You've found the site you're looking for. It's called Andrew Girardin's Summer Sumo Plan and it guarantees results without scientific mumbo-jumbo, stress, or expense. Great!
Following his plan, you do as much Sumo training as you feel like, while gorging yourself on rice, bread, pizza, ice cream, and chocolate. Your legs are stronger, but your body weight has doubled. And it isn't all useless muscle either. It's good, hearty flab. Girardin was right!
The old Japanese Sumo-master is impressed by your new body. So impressed that he palpates your man-breasts for a good four minutes, all the while saying "Hai!" Inspection over, you cover yourself with flour, adjust your big white nappy, and charge into your opponent.
SLAP!
There's a well-deserved standing ovation. Everyone knows how much Sumo means to you. One man strides forward to shake your hand. He introduces himself as Andrew Girardin. You envelop him and say 'thank you, thank you,' over and over again. He downplays his role in your transformation, and says that you have inspired him. He's fucking awesome.
For more information about the Sumo Diet, including details of his book tour and Sumo coaching, follow Girardin on Twitter using the link on the top-right. Or insert the thingy @AndrewGirardin into one of your doodads.
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The Swiss Army Knife (3)
What can the Swiss Army Knife (SAK) tell us about Switzerland? A generous student gave me one. It has 21 functions and by trying to find a use for them all, maybe I'll learn something about Swiss culture. Or maybe I'll just make up some outrageous lies and pass them off as fact.
Click here to read part one or part two. I'm writing about the functions in the order I use them. I'd hoped to write a post about all 21 functions, but I have written about the small knife 3 times already. Facepalm.
Function 15 - Wood Saw
What the Wood Saw teaches us about Switzerland is that the Swiss are AWFUL at movie trivia.
I was watching In Bruges with my Swiss girlfriend, Jen. From the moment Željko Ivanek came on, Jen kept saying, "Is that John Malkovich? It is, isn't it?" And I kept saying no, of course it wasn't.
One of these men is John Malkovich.
She wouldn't admit defeat, so I did an image search for John Malkovich and invited her to compare the image on the phone with the image on the screen. She fell silent.
"BOOM!" I roared. "Uh-huh, uh-huh!" I did a jiggly squirm of victory. "One nil!" I punched the air. "And still undisputed conversation champion of the world... Andrew... Gi-raaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr-din!" I sang the Rocky theme and did some shadow boxing, stopping only when the shushing noises from the other moviegoers got too insistent.
I sneered the word 'Malkovich', sat back in a complacent pose, and followed that with an excited: "I just realised!"
"Shh! What?"
"That was my 100th conversation victory over you!"
Jen disputed many parts of that sentence, but it was true. My conversation record was 100 wins, 2 defeats (I let Jen win on her birthday and Christmas).
To celebrate, I treated myself to a cigar. I normally gloat via pizza, beer, or ice cream, but once every 7 years I have a cigar.
The best bit was that I got to use the Wood Saw. My project to use all the functions of the Swiss Army Knife is all very well in theory, but I neither whittle nor own a shotgun, so in a normal world I have little need of a saw.
Sawing a cigar is messy but effective. Look:
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By the way, the cigar was absolutely awful. It stank up my flat for days and I had a cough for a week.
Worst four Euros I've ever spent.
Function 6 - Bottle Opener
Watching the American version of House of Cards, Jen said, "Is that John Malkovich? It is, isn't it?"
It wasn't.
One of these men is John Malkovich.
After taunting her an appropriate amount, I celebrated with a beer:
(Notice I'm drinking an American beer there. I mostly drink German wheat beer, but wanted to try that Sam Adams stuff because it's sold in my local supermarket. Swiss products are normally superb, but the two most available beers are called Feldschlossen and Calanda. Both taste like they were brewed in a sock. Avoid.)
Function 2 - Small Blade (Again)
Jen wanted to spend some time with me, and I wanted to play Master of Orion on my computer. As a compromise, I let her lie on the sofa where she could look at me and ask if I was winning.
Every half hour I checked if she wanted a cup of tea or whatever. "I want a treat," she said in a whiney little girl voice.
"How about an apple?" I said in my talking-to-a-toddler voice.
"Meh," she said. "That's not fun."
"What if I carve a picture of a horse into it?"
"Yes, okay."
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Asterix and Caesar's Gift: Latin Jokes Explained
Book 21: Asterix and Caesar's Gift
1.
The story: A drunken legionary insults Caesar. Instead of punishing him, Caesar grants him a small piece of land in Gaul. Everyone who's anyone knows that the German translation of 'gift' is 'poison'. And so it is here with Caesar's Gift: The land contains the village where Asterix and Obelix live!
But before the action turns to Gaul, we see the foolish legionary having an epic night out in the sidestreets of Rome.
Professor Ibrox explains: "Andrew, I can't read it! Make the text bigger. I lost my magnifying glass in a game of Theistic Scrabble. Those Catholics are rotten cheats. They sneeze vowels and make up words."
"That's better. Okay, we've got 'Vinum et musica laetificant cor.' That just means 'music and wine gladden the heart.' More of that in a moment.
"The phrase sounded biblical to me. I thought it was from Proverbs being as that's so full of contradictory sayings. 'Marry young, marry old; Treat your slaves well, treat them badly.' It doesn't know what it wants. But I checked and the quote's actually from the Apocrypha - Sirach, whoever that is. I was brought up a Protestant, so I shall refrain from commenting further on Catholic additions to the bible. Or Catholic additions to the dictionary, which appear to be rife."
"In this bit we get a bit more about the wine and music that should gladden our heart. He is singing a Roman version of Little Brown Jug. Here's the original. See?
- And when I die don't bury me at all,
- Just pickle my bones in alcohol;
- Put a bottle o' booze at my head and feet
- And then I know that I will keep.
"People are weird about that sort of thing. Once in a museum in York I wanted to take a photo of some old Viking skeleton and the woman stopped me. She asked if I'd like my bones to be photographed a thousand years after my death. I said I was unlikely to mind, because I'd be dead. I said that if I were her, I'd be much more disturbed by the thought of having my bones broken one by one for being an interfering busybody and she started crying and called the police and there was unpleasantness. She was very old, and the incident visibly aged her. She's probably dead by now. Which brings me no sadistic pleasure. De mortuis nil nisi bonum and all that."
2.The story: Caesar has given the Legionary his gift - some of you might remember that gift means poison in German, because I just said it a minute ago - and the still-hungover old soak is more bemused than offended. His comrades are much more cheerful, having been gifts they understand, like plots of land in Provence.
Professor Ibrox explains: "The fourth legionary says 'Remember that time I looked the optio straight in the eye and I said to him, Qui habet aures audiendi, audiat? It's just a brilliant pun.
"Girardin, even a heathen like yourself should know the translation: 'he who has ears for hearing, let him hear'. A centurion's second-in-command was called an Optio. So this chap was giving his Optio a dressing down, telling him to pay more attention.
"You'll immediately recognise 'opticus' as the root of various English words, such as optician and optical. So when the centurion says he LOOKED at the OPTIO straight in the EYE you'd expect to ... SEE a bit more of that. Instead, the Latin phrase he uses is all about ears and hearing. Making the centurion either cleverly sarcastic or rather dim-witted. And since he's reliving this as one of the highlights of his career, I think we know which."
"And talking of being dim-witted, you'd have to be pretty slow on the uptake not to realise that the phrase contains a gerund - audiendi - genitive singular from audio (to hear, not the car, which is Audi), while the main clause is audiat, a jussive subjunctive, let him hear, while the qui bit is a relative clause. Simples."
3.
The story: Caesar's plan has worked well. The Gauls have turned against each other and there is something approaching civil war in the village. Vitalstatistix asks Getafix for magic potion so he can beat up his opponents. Getafix, the village druid, refuses. Asterix supports Getafix, much to the chagrin of his chief.
Professor Ibrox explains: "The world and his cat know Shakespeare's Et tu, Brute? But what the great unwashed do not know is that if Caesar really did say anything to Brutus, he said it in Greek: 'Kai su teknon', which means 'even you, my child'.
"Et tu... is a phrase which has seeped into contemporary culture like a beer stain on a sofa. A few years ago, during a brief player-led revolt against his training methods and tactics, Jose Mourinho looked around the dressing room at Inter Milan and asked all the unhappy players to raise their hands. One by one, they did, including his star striker.
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| Samuel Eto'o |
"Et tu, Eto'o? He claims to have said. My opinion is that the story is apocryphal. No surprise there - after all, Mourinho's a rampant Catholic."
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Nice Things About Switzerland #5: The Last Croissant
It would be a damned dirty lie to call the Swiss polite. Their attitude to queuing is downright primitive and if you try to exit a lift, navigate through a supermarket, or get on a tram, you can't, because there's a Swiss guy in your way. If I had to get married, (most likely as part of a tax wheeze or elaborate prank), I wouldn't do it in Switzerland, because there would be Swiss people blocking the aisle, blowing foul cigarette fumes over me as I tried to sidestep them.
But one aspect of politeness is alive and well. No Swiss person will ever, ever eat the last croissant.
Which is great for me, because I have zero shame. I'm this guy:
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| Hold the doughnut aloft |
My work often takes me to offices, which is great because people in offices have meetings, and meetings are powered by coffee, croissants, and cookies. I don't drink coffee but the rest is manna from heaven. Free grub!
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| The last biscuit: mine |
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| The last croissants: mine |
Thanks, Switzerland!
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The doughnut picture is taken from the book 'The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Guide' which is full of handy tips about how to survive stuff. Mostly serious, but with some lighter entries like'How to Break Up with a Vampire'.
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Jentrification
Having a long-term (i.e. more than a month) girlfriend has changed me in many ways. Example: I spend much more time trying to appear comfortable in health food shops, and much less time dribbling ice cream into my belly button.
The lucky girl is called Jen, and thus the process of her changing me for better or for worse, accidentally or on purpose, is called Jentrification.
As an English teacher, I'm interested in how this process of change leads to change in my vocabulary. I've been recording any new words that I've created, and publish them here for the purpose of possible future patent applications.
to jen (verb)
The act of looking the wrong way when crossing the road.
"God! That car nearly hit you! Why were you looking the wrong way?"
"Because I'm speaking English! Last time I spoke English I was in New Zealand and they drive on the left."
Jenuary (noun)
The month of Jen's birth.
"When's Jen's birthday?"
"I know that one! Jenuary. Easy."
"Which date?"
"Come on! You can't expect me to remember that. She's only had one birthday since I met her."
jentilation (noun)
The act of letting minor annoyances build up over time so that they can be 'vented' in an explosive fury, normally while on holiday.
"Did you hear that woman raging at that guy last night?"
"Yeah, we're in the room next to them. Apparently he uses the fridge light to light the kitchen, holds the cheese grater the wrong way round, and recounts his bowel movements with linguistic relish not heard since Finnegan's Wake."
"Mother of god! He had it coming."
to see Jen Malkovich(verb)
The process or ailment of thinking all male actors might be John Malkovich.
"Is that-?"
"No."
jeneration gap (noun)
The age difference between Jen and her boyfriend, as calculated by Jen.
"I was born in January. You were born in June. So I'm only two months older than you."
to jenstruate (verb)
The act of turning into Annie Wilkes for seven days a lunar month.
"I'm your biggest fan." (Ten minutes later) "I don't CARE if you're about to complete Skyrim: I want you to tell me a STORY."
jenshamen (noun)
Similar to the German word fremdschämen (meaning 'feeling ashamed on someone else's behalf') but the person you're ashamed for is your boyfriend.
"Andrew, please don't introduce me to your friends as 'the chick I bang'."
jenocide (noun)
The act of murdering your boyfriend after reading his latest blog.
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The lucky girl is called Jen, and thus the process of her changing me for better or for worse, accidentally or on purpose, is called Jentrification.
As an English teacher, I'm interested in how this process of change leads to change in my vocabulary. I've been recording any new words that I've created, and publish them here for the purpose of possible future patent applications.
Jentrification - a Dictionary
to jen (verb)
The act of looking the wrong way when crossing the road.
"God! That car nearly hit you! Why were you looking the wrong way?"
"Because I'm speaking English! Last time I spoke English I was in New Zealand and they drive on the left."
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| How Jen sees roads |
Jenuary (noun)
The month of Jen's birth.
"When's Jen's birthday?"
"I know that one! Jenuary. Easy."
"Which date?"
"Come on! You can't expect me to remember that. She's only had one birthday since I met her."
jentilation (noun)
The act of letting minor annoyances build up over time so that they can be 'vented' in an explosive fury, normally while on holiday.
"Did you hear that woman raging at that guy last night?"
"Yeah, we're in the room next to them. Apparently he uses the fridge light to light the kitchen, holds the cheese grater the wrong way round, and recounts his bowel movements with linguistic relish not heard since Finnegan's Wake."
"Mother of god! He had it coming."
to see Jen Malkovich(verb)
The process or ailment of thinking all male actors might be John Malkovich.
"Is that-?"
"No."
jeneration gap (noun)
The age difference between Jen and her boyfriend, as calculated by Jen.
"I was born in January. You were born in June. So I'm only two months older than you."
to jenstruate (verb)
The act of turning into Annie Wilkes for seven days a lunar month.
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| What do you mean, there's no more chocolate? |
"I'm your biggest fan." (Ten minutes later) "I don't CARE if you're about to complete Skyrim: I want you to tell me a STORY."
jenshamen (noun)
Similar to the German word fremdschämen (meaning 'feeling ashamed on someone else's behalf') but the person you're ashamed for is your boyfriend.
"Andrew, please don't introduce me to your friends as 'the chick I bang'."
jenocide (noun)
The act of murdering your boyfriend after reading his latest blog.
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NTAS #6: They're a Lot Like Dwarves
Nice Things About Switzerland
If I asked you to describe the main characteristics of a dwarf - and I wouldn't, because I'm dating one so I'm a frikkin expert - I hope you'd say something like: "Dwarves like digging tunnels, they store gold in secret dens, make high-quality armaments, love mountains, are superior engineers, and even the women have beards."
All of which describes the Swiss, too. (Did Tolkein live here at one point? Sadly, there's no way to ever know.)
The main difference between dwarven engineers and Swiss ones is that dwarfs build traps and robots that try to kill me while the Swiss do things that make my life easier and better.
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| A mean robot that tries to kill you in Skyrim |
The first piece of Swiss engineering that blew my mind was when I read that all bus stops in Switzerland cost a million pounds each, because they all used anti-puddle technology so that people waiting for the bus wouldn't get splashed.
Even more interesting has been watching a new train line being built from my local station to the city centre. There are already two lines but they're making it bigger regardless of the obstacles.
Obstacles such as the huge, historic building that was in the way.
Engineering Astonishment Case Study: They Slid a Building
They... what?
Instead of tearing down the building, or rebuilding it brick by brick, they just slid it down the road. It wasn't even snowing!
The following pictures show the plan:
And that's where it is now.
I had no idea you could just slide buildings around, but apparently it's quite normal here. I'm told that Wollerau, a small town renowned for having the lowest taxes in Europe, was built on a giant hover-cushion and can be floated to another county within 48 hours of any change in the tax regime.
Also Impressive: How They Build Those Thingies
I nearly didn't write this bit because I don't know any of the words needed to describe any of the things and it was hard to find a good photo.
But look at this and I'll try to explain what's what.
That's a giant BUILDER THING and once it has been installed, you see it for a while and then suddenly there's all concrete inside! In the shape of a train line! Then they move the BUILDER THING to the front and repeat...
...and thus it crawls across Zurich like a snail, but instead of leaving goo in its wake it leaves INFRASTRUCTURE.
Other Stuff
I should also write about the Gotthard Base Tunnel and the general build quality of flats and offices. And some other stuff. But I should be writing my book, so I'm going to go do that now. (Read about the Base Tunnel if you like that sort of thing - it's very impressive.)
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